Dating someone going through a divorce with kids
They either disappear when they start to feel panicky about the fact that you will want, need, and expect in line with the great show they have been putting on.
Or…they just revert to the ‘real them’, ripping the rug from under your feet and replacing hot with cold and someone who you barely recognise. People who engage in Fast-Forwarding are Future Fakers, whether they directly do it by talking up a storm about plans or do it indirectly by behaving so intensely and putting so many demands on you (emotional, sexual, wanting to be with you all the time), that they let you believe that the level of intensity you are experiencing is what is on offer.
They also make the mistake of being so OTT that they create expectations that they cannot deliver on.
These people overestimate their level of interest because often the uncertainty of not knowing how you feel and needing to ‘win you over’ and ‘suck you in’, is what triggers their desire for you.
The relationships that survive (healthily) are ones where the two people have slowed down but are in essence still the same two people that met and there isn’t a dramatic shift in character and integrity.
Being confident in yourself is also about believing that there isn’t a fire – you can take enough time to get to know each other without rushing to get your pants down and make big declarations. People who tend to fast-forward can go through their cycle in a few hours (ever met an intense person online who sent you several emails, pestered you and then disappeared?
), a day, a night, a few dates, weeks, months, and in some cases, some can play the long game and draw it out for a year.
When you get swept up in someone Fast-Forwarding you, you will basque in the adoration.
While it is very flattering when someone says they love you immediately or makes you the centre of their universe immediately, the fact of the matter is that they don’t know you enough to be sincere about it. I’m not saying that you’re not a wonderful person, but aren’t we giving ourselves and them too much credit by believing that our libido, powers of judgement and observation and awareness of our own values are so powerful that we can tell immediately based on looks, sexual chemistry, penis size, words etc that we (or they) love someone? Well, we don’t like to appear to be spoil sports, many of us are not aware of the perils of red flags, and we second guess ourselves.
In a startling number of stories, most of these people had some, if not a lot of reservations about the very person that was fast-forwarding them.
And let’s be real, it is flattering when someone seems to fancy the arse off us so much that they can’t seem to want to stop ripping off our clothes or saying we’re the best thing since sliced bread.
Originally scheduled as a lunchtime meet, it lasted all day and into the night.
The following day she said it felt like they’d known each other for weeks instead of hours. Another friend met a guy who she was half-heartedly interested in.
If you have Fast-Forwarding habits, it’s a good time to address your beliefs and attitudes about dating because you’re setting yourself up for failure.